Feeling genuine disgust with myself. I am able bodied, I am healthy & I have nothing but free time. Sure I am doing my bit by staying indoors & isolating but I am not actively helping.

Today my friend Miriam posted an NHS job advert in a group chat for temporary admin services at Addenbrookes hospital. I looked at it hurriedly whilst lazing on the armchair I had positioned in the sun, reading my book, on top of my fluffy, squidgy duvet. I’d rolled my vest up to top up my tan & was drinking my signature non alcoholic mojito-esque crushed lime & mint cordial. It felt holiday like. From my little one bedroom flat in the corner or Cambridge I am completely isolated from the outside world. All my windows & balcony overlook the empty car-park so I don’t even have eyes on the real world. I’ve spent the last four & half days sleeping, eating & pissing men off on tinder with outlandish banter. It’s been a joy if anything. So when the message popped up I gave it no more than a cursory glance. As I did her accompanying message that “it’s all hands on deck at the NHS” & even she, a scientist in a lab, is going to be required in wards delivering meals to bedsides.

Next I receive my bi-hourly message from my Mum. This time talking about how the Prime Minister has had to address the millions of people who are putting our most vulnerable at risk by flaunting the distancing measures by going to the beach & queuing to go up Snowdon on the weekend. How, if people don’t start taking this more seriously stricter measures will have to be enforced (which they have been since). I hadn’t realised in my sheltered little nook what was going on. The escalation around me.

Then I have a chat with my mate Pedro, a fireman, he informs me the emergency services are so stretched the London fire brigade has been drafted in to drive ambulances.

Then another message from my Mum informing me a friend of a friend’s dad had just died from the virus. Still I don’t flicker. Numb to the news. Safe in my duvet haven.

I read the final two chapters of Adam Kays book – This is Going to Hurt – an ex NHS doctor who documented his works’ trials & tribulations in a diary with incredible detail & wit. It takes a solemn turn at the end & he talks about the magnificence of the NHS staff. How they are all juggling fire for minimal reward but they do it purely to help & make a difference.

I have a shower & along with the water my emotions cascade as all the prior info trickled together to form a current. I contemplate the true depth of the situation & my place in it & I get out the shower & text Miriam back.

My mum has crazy anxiety & is on a continuous blood pressure monitor currently that regularly sees her hitting 200 even though anything beyond 120 is troublesome. She’s next level. She has begged me previously to stay home & I would not want to add to her stress but I am so awash with guilt right now at my cushty lot I have to do something. I must contribute. When my step grandchildren (let’s face it chances of me having my own is dwindling) ask me what I did during the great covid 19 crisis I don’t want to say I sat on my arse writing the occasional poor me blog post. I apply for the job even though as I explain in the application I have never done anything other than try on clothes & hand out flyers & occasionally hit the right buy or sell button on my trading account but I am willing. I have a good academic record, even if it 15 years old. I’m smart, I know I can add value there somewhere. Surely. Guess now we shall see how desperate they really are…

In other less traumatizing news I was up again at noon which thinking about it, is in actual fact another reason to loathe myself…. I spent an hour on phone to Insureandgo claims department to try get money back on the two new flights I had to book last week to get out of South America when Panama went into lockdown aaaand I still haven’t cooked.

Did pluck up the courage to count the toilet rolls under the sink though & I’ve got 4 which wouldn’t be too alarming as a single person on my own but I’ve already had to replace the new one I put out Friday. Its only Monday. I just can’t compute it. Wondering if my neighbour half inched a few squares when he popped down to help with the internet Saturday?!

Thats all for now, I’m going for a walk to sort my head out, stay sane-itized. Over & out. xxxx