So after last weeks vlog I put the call out regards how I should spend my big 3?th birthday & I must say that peoples ideas got me revved the hell up. Nothing in particular just peoples general enthusiasm for birthdays. Plus what really put the gas on the fire was Tescos 5 for 4 deal on party items which of course saw me come home with 10 pieces of gawdy paraphernalia. Yes, after lamenting about my upcoming muted celebrations, I went full 180 friends & went ALL OUT. As such everything this week centers around my birthday… EVERYTHING. I did very little else.

The week of course starts with my bi-monthly shopping trip to Tesco, where I got dressed to the nines & donned a full mermaid suit this time. I was so excited to be glittery & leaving the house on a mission I actually got a bit choked up enroute & had a little cry. PMT was running high & leaving the house & beyond my street for the first time in a fortnight with the sun shining I just got all emosh at how wonderful nature is, & how great the A14 is & how incredible the engineering, transporting me along it is. Yes I was on one & I was loving everyone on the roads around me, transponding love to them with my corneas. So grateful for everything, but then also acutely aware of the horrors of the pandemic going on silently around me.

I arrived at Milton Tesco & pulled myself together & got chatting to a jovial fella in the queue which was nice. Just normal stuff about holidays etc after he asked me where I got my tan from & I just said very straight faced “my Dad.” He didn’t know where to put himself & was wondering out loud whether he was racist or not until I chuckled & put him at ease. SO many people think this tan is from a bottle, I do like to wind them up occasionally.

Inside I got a few bemused smiles as I kept tripping over my fins & getting them stuck in the trolley wheels & had a laugh with the cashiers when it came to my turn. There was some music playing too which I’m pretty sure is not usually the case so I was warbling pretty loudly at times too & generally enjoying myself. Exchanged a few smiles but as per usual plenty of turned heads. Apparently there is something about a singing mermaid that is plain distasteful to some. Anyway I got my party poppers & pretty much everything I liked the look of because thats what sort of mood I was in. Food is one way to really differentiate my birthday from every other boring day so all dietary restrictions were thrown out the window.

Abnormal purchases included:

• cadburys chocolate pudding x2 (actually turned out to be very disappointing fyi)
• fruity cheesecake thing
• pre prepped potato dauphinoise
• single scotch egg
• crumpets
• peanut butter
• pain au chocolat x4
• honey laced yoghurt
• granola
• tinned fruit for my porridge
• butternut squash tart
• raspberries

I’m a brekkie girl can you tell?

Oh & the all important drinks…

• appetiser
• elderflower pressé
• cava x2
• oj to make the all important mimosas x2
• bottle of white wine just in case I happen to fancy it (unlikely but good to have backup)

I had just left & was traipsing my fins across the car park when I heard a woman come jogging up behind me. “Excuse me I just wanted you to know that you really brightened up a lot of peoples day in there. You probably didn’t hear the comments but lots of people were talking about you & I wanted you to know. You were like a breath of fresh air so thank you” I was so choked I had to hold back the tears. Seemed a bit crazy that all these people were complimenting me behind my back, but not beyond the realm of possibility I suppose & she didn’t seem like a pathological liar, there appeared to be little to gain, so accept her praise I did. Its a small gesture to humanity to dress up as a mythical semi-amphibious creature in its time of need but I guess everyone has their role & that is mine.

I felt very emotional the 20 minutes to my parents to drop off their shopping. I live quite sheltered from the realities of this pandemic mostly as I don’t see people for days at a time where I live so shop days I do find quite overwhelming in many ways, I love seeing other humans plus you are clearly confronted with changes to daily life. The distancing, the queuing, the masks, the fearful look on faces, the plastic shields at counters, the wipes… all quite minor things but they do create a quiet unease. I hope I did make a teeny tiny positive impact on someones day. If so I would really encourage everyone to dress as whackily as possible. Just for fun. Doesn’t hurt. Can only brighten.

I arrived at my parents & tried to disperse my emotion by rocking out to Chaka Demus & Pliers on their driveway whilst again passersby looked on, disapproving. What is it about this situation that means we all have to be miserable people? I danced around a bit with my parents looking on from 15 feet whilst their frozen stuff slowly defrosted then got on my merry little way. All quite surreal really. Not being able to get near them, never mind hug them or go into the house I’ve known my whole life. So weird. Anyway before I got off they did have one almighty pick me up for me. HOMEMADE BUNS! I had been majorly thrown off by my Mums request for flour & eggs so had no idea she had already cooked up a chocolate buttercream storm. Quelle surprise! I was so overjoyed. They smelt & tasted exactly like home it was so so good. Then I was presented with a huge Christmas gift bag with strict instructions not to open until Saturday. Extraordinarily heavy to boot. Exciting. Happy birthday to meeeeeee.

On the way home I drive past a gigantic grafitti-ed sign on the side of a truck thanking the NHS & I can’t help but pullover & jog up the road in my mermaid gear whilst lorries whizz past to take a snap. Really nice tribute. Glad I risked life & limb to capture it.

Back at home I had to decompress on the armchair before I could even think about unpacking the shopping. For some reason shopping days just take it out of me. I get a bit manic somehow with the excitement & it takes me a second once I’m home & sanitized to readjust to house arrest. After an hour of this I received a shopping request from a neighbour in need which gave me a much needed kick up the butt so off I went. Ariel was back out the door, fins a-swishing as I sashayed up the road to Co-op for brown bed & Fanta.

Once I got back I was filled with new energy &, excited by my party purchases, I got stuck the hell in & decorated every inch of my abode. Even though it was only Wednesday & 2 more days stood before my day of birth I just started throwing streamers in every direction imaginable before my living room resembled something out of a mission impossible, museum heist, laser security system. I was ducking & diving & doing the limbo just to get to the sink. This didn’t exactly make life easy when I felt my tummy start to cramp aggressively around 9pm & I knew I was going to be sick. Trying to access the bucket in the cleaning cupboard without shitting yourself & bringing down all my prior hard work was a nightmare, hopping around, fighting with the ironing board in order to release the all important vessel.

I’ll be brief on the next 30 minutes because it wasn’t pretty. Rest assured it had nothing to do with my Mums cooking even though at this point all the buns had been greedily consumed. Basically, if anyone reading this can shed some light, every 6 months or so I get severe stomach cramps that lead to urgent exit from both ends simultaneously whilst excessively sweating in delirium. Its horrendous but the only saving grace is the stomach pain gives me a lead time of usually 10 minutes so I can get myself prepared (though on this occasion I chose to ignore it because I was enjoying my creativity so much but normally its useful when you are at a wedding, a nightclub or a stoic society meet-up; yep all scenarios I’ve been in) & I know it will last only 45 minutes tops once the sweating begins, so it is manageable, just oh so mysterious. I have no idea what brings it on, I have kept a food diary detailing what I have eaten on every occasion it has happened since it began in 2015 & there is no common thread. I have discovered that potentially B12 tablets keep it under control & this time because of the drastic change in lifestyle, lockdown has brought, I haven’t been as on the ball taking them. Anyway I suffered through, then had to clean up, deciding it was best to dispose of the bucket altogether in the downstairs recycling & choosing to do so in this rather inconspicuous attire.

The next day I continue to finely tune my refurb effort until I become happy with this colourful composition.

I even cultivated my own guests.

As much as I loved my new pals though, I was kinda aware of their drawbacks. Mainly their inability to sing me happy birthday so my next cunning plan was this little/big nugget sellotaped to the side of my balcony which, when actually surveyed from below, was truly wishful thinking believing anyone without a telescope could ever read it. Even my nearest neighbour asked me to read it out to him as I was putting it up, inadvertently staring right through their window whist they ate their tea. We had a little chat Romeo & Juliet style & it really was quite wonderful to make new connections with those living so closely around me. So even if my sign came to nothing I now knew Angela & Andrew/Richard (I annoyingly can’t remember which oops) which was already a result. (Sorry Andrew/Richard)

Somewhere along the line I also had a little rave up to ‘House every weekend’ now rechristened ‘House every god damn day’ & created two showstopping pillow challenges. Again all time very well spent.

My only other reprieve in this time was to go stretch my legs at Grantchester Meadows, which was a glorious distraction from trying to use every foil letter out of the ‘create your own banner’ pack that I had become obsessed with. Great run/dance/skip & had some lovely interactions with folks except for one dude who chose to turn his back on me whilst I tried to engage him in conversation from at least 3 metres away. You can’t win them all… maybe he had just been burned by the police who I saw moving people along the river bank. I don’t know, but I did feel a bit upset by his spur. When human interaction is at an all time low, having a bad one which basically compromises two thirds of your daily conversation can be pretty damning but I got over it. We are all coping differently I guess.

Back at home I threw myself back in to last-minute party planning, I had become so absorbed in my big day I had even issued itineraries.

Saturday 11th April 2020

10.30am Immediate family video conference

11.30am Brunch of Queens

1pm Neighbourly singsong

1.30 – 2.30pm Chillax on the balc

3pm One hour of exercise spent boogieing around Cambridge, optionally screaming “its my birthday” at people

4.30pm Cousin family video chat with my Dads side

5.30pm Family video chat with my Mums side

6.30pm Jade themed quiz with friends over videochat

8pm Cutting of the cake live on Instagram followed by dance party

Pretty comprehensive stuff, I go to sleep excited for the day ahead.