Unbelievably, contrary to the pessimists, myself being the biggest one, I just had possibly the best birthday I’ve ever had. Yes THE BEST. This is obviously quite unexpected for several reasons; the ol’ global pandemic, consequential unemployment, awfully timed recent dumping & the biggie: I am self isolating, completely alone.

So how did I do it? It took me by surprise to be honest, this time last week I was all bah humbug & woe be me, throwing myself a pity party for one & lamenting via social media. I received condolences from friends, many of whom suggested alcohol as the answer, another a spa-like pamper session, & of course the now standard piece of lockdown kit the Zoom video conference call. Except maybe this time with cake. Great suggestions but they all leave room for potential disappointment if left uncoordinated. I needed a plan & something from the discussion must have struck a chord because the next day, probably for want of something to do, I sprung into action.

Truthfully I should probably give Tesco some credit for this. Their rather odd deal of buy 4, get the 5th free on party items for some reason really got my juices flowing & before you know it I had selected 10. It was a bit of an out of body experience. I didn’t know who was going to be blowing those party blowers but by jove I got them anyway. Perhaps some deformed type of retail therapy that I had been denying myself until now.

So that was it. The scene had been set. I didn’t know it yet but I was creating the recipe for the perfect birthday.

1. Decorations

You may think you are too old for this humble step my dear friend, but think again. There is nothing, I repeat nothing, like a cascade of cheerful streamers & some balloons bopping about to lift your spirits. It transports you to a youthier age & who cares if you are the only one to see it. Do the place up, have a few drinks & surprise yourself the next morning when you wake up on your birthday having forgotten your pre vino industrious activity. The more OTT you decorate the funner it becomes. Bunting, pinatas nothing is off limits. I highly recommend those “create your own banner” packs. I had a lot of fun with them & have since re-purposed into motivational quotes which continue to bring joy. The more colourful the better I say but decorate to suit your personal taste. Why not? It’s YOUR birthday. Also don’t forget to decorate yourself, I want you in your finest gladrags, looking your spangly best. Birthday badges are mandatory. End of.

2. Guestlist

Bear with me on this one, I don’t want to lose you but this was actually a real highlight for me. I not only made my own dream guestlist but I cultivated those very guests myself. Yes everyone, for my 36th birthday I made my friends out of balloons & I loved it. Drew their lil faces on, dressed them up in wacky sunglasses & my inexplicable collection of tangled wigs. I swear to god every time I catch a glimpse of them I chuckle OUT LOUD. Easily the best investment of time of this entire list based on a laughter per capita ratio.

Their one drawback, & there is only one as they make perfect house guests otherwise, is their lack of sentient speech. So for this you may just want to schedule some video-chats. I actually delegated the organisation because lets face it, it’s a ball-ache getting your Great Aunt Jen online in a Google Hangout but boy is it worth it. Get as many faces in there as poss & if it takes your fancy I suggest organising a very en vogue pub style quiz. Now it shouldn’t take much time, because the subject can be you! Award points for both correct & funniest answer to ensure a rib tickling time by all.

A few fun questions to give you some ideas; how many bones have I broken? How many men have I been in love with? What age did I stop believing in Santa? Who are my celeb lookalikes? You get the idea.

The third set of invitations, I would like to suggest, should go out to your neighbours. In this time of need & chronic boredom, many people are seeking diversion & I put it to you that many would like nothing more than to screech you happy birthday from their bedroom window. Don’t deprive them. Make a sign with the details & hear them wail. It actually worked for me. Even if it doesn’t, its a great social experiment & will promote cohesion in the community regardless. Well done you.

3. Surprises

Nothing much beats receiving something in the mail so make sure all your nearest & dearest have your postal address. Circulate it yourself or get someone else to do your dirty work for you. Somebody’s kid out there is just crying out to paint you an unidentifiable picture.

Next use this template on your social media accounts to attract birthday video messages. They will be random as hell & it will be very funny. Often the most unexpected ghosts of days gone by pipe up on Facebook during birthday season, why not give them the opportunity to excel themselves this year by inviting video messages. Give people a day or two & turn off notifications to stop yourself from peeking until the big day. If you can get a friend to organise this then even better. My sister collected & sent them to me in a series of surprise videos & I had no idea who or how many & it was seriously wonderful.

4. One hour of exercise

No need to don your lycra, instead I fully recommend dressing up in something sparkly or wacky & proudly displaying an oversized birthday badge to take to the streets on your regular jog or walk, with frequent loud chimes of “hello humans its my birthday” directed at people. Even if you are the shy type, make it obvious it is your birthday & someone will smile in your direction & it will make all the difference to your day. At the other extreme you could be like me & play music from a bluetooth speaker, stuffed in your bumbag, menacingly yelling at people & actually make them say happy birthday for your own sick amusement. Either/or.

5. Food

You don’t need me to tell you what a vital component the all important food is. A few days prior I had genuinely been thinking of treating myself with a solitary chocolate bar. That was going to be it. Genuinely. As a semi-healthy, anti-sugar, vegan wannabe I don’t tend to have any naughties at home. I have zero willpower so it’s just easier for me to not have it in the house at all. Well Tesco also put pay to that. I let myself put ANYTHING I fancied in the trolley. ANYTHING. Choc puds, prosecco, granola, cheesecake, pain au chocolat. I let loose. A good tip for this though is the oft overlooked supermarket meal deal – a bottle of wine, main, side & dessert for a tenner – I bought TWO! Bargain! Now I knew regardless of what my big day would bring I would enjoy it. All my fave flavours. Anything I didn’t eat (I got way too carried away on the sweet stuff) I have donated so that is another feel good factor, yay!

6. Music

Music is a critical element. It has the power to transport & lift your mood beyond measure. Ideally what you want is a friend to compile you a playlist on Spotify or similar so you don’t anticipate what’s coming so there’s sure to be some surprises that will bring a smile. That or tune into one of my (Jadosamos) Spotify playlists – Social Dis-dancing being my favourite. Now play it loud. Very loud.

So that’s it, my birthday lockdown recommendations! It worked for me a treat & if you want to see exactly how my big day panned out & find out whether the neighbours did come out en force you can watch the videos & more by checking out my lockdown diary here.

Cheers to you, hope you have a great one!!