Hey. Its been awhile crocodile since I last posted. Things are pretty crazy right now. The world is up in arms protesting globally for racial equality whilst we watch a race war unfold in America as a brutal police force, backed by military, authorised by their despicable president Donald Trump, disperse peaceful protest, antagonize & create more death. All on the backdrop of the continued plague of coronavirus.
I wrote a piece about George Floyds killing which was the catalyst for this movement, & since then I have continued to weep daily for both what I now see; insane footage of police violence but also the bigger picture of racial inequality that I have been denying my whole life, which brings with it an overwhelming wave of injustice, sadness & disgust.
I have learnt a lot these last two weeks & I can truly say it has been an awakening. Beyond my personal sphere I don’t know how I will continue these efforts to address such huge issues like systemic institutional racism but I know I must do something. Tackling white fragility head on in my own personal networks hasn’t been pretty, & has forced me to take some time off from social media to re-balance. There is so much to learn & I must continue to educate myself & learn how best to confront these issues to both encourage similar awakenings in my fellow white folk* & to avoid overwhelm in myself.
*I am half anglo-indian & as such fall into the mysterious ‘other’ category on official documents but looking at me I am white, albeit with a great tan, & as such I most definitely benefit from white privilege.
On top of this I have also had to deal with something else… traumatic in an entirely different sense, which I am not yet ready to disclose but probably will by my next post… so stay tuned.
Talking of this diary, I think this could be the last proper lockdown diary entry or possibly penultimate. Coronavirus continues to ravage the UK but slowly we are heading towards some sort of new pandemic edition of normality. Amongst all this I too have been busy trying to figure out where to go from here?! As I’ve mentioned previously, being newly self employed after my 3 year absence there is no government help pour moi & since my modelling jobs are likely to be replaced by mannequins, for at least the intermediate future as clothing rules dictate items must be quarantined for 72 hours after someone has worn it, I need a new plan! So back to trading I go. This in itself is not a straight forward income so adding that rollercoaster into the emotional mix is, as you can imagine, a bundle of fun which also explains my absence but anyway lets as always, start from the beginning…
To be honest if I thought the last lockdown post I shared was a slow news week this next week took the absolute biscuit. Christ alive… Despite restrictions being relaxed somewhat I appear to have zilcho mczilcho to share with you guys. The big event if you can even call it that was my appearance on Zoom dating show sensation “Binned Dates” which was pretty hilarious by all accounts. I have covered that in a separate post so please check it our here if you fancy an extraordinarily big LOL at my expense. I won’t bore you with the details again, just that basically its a take on Blind date, & I won not for my sparkling wit & charm as you might imagine… no, more by unashamedly tapping into the male feral brain using smuttier than smut smut answers, magnified further by two other angelic contestants that made me sound like a deranged nymphomaniac. All complete lies I should note. So I won under completely false pretences, then went on a circus themed video date with a 50 Cent lookalike with a tomato sellotaped to my face. I friendzoned him instantly by berating his turtleneck that he wore in the prior episode then had to relive the whole awkward thing again when it was screened to an audience of 98 via Zoom the following Saturday, triggering a slight case of PTSD.
All good clean (bar a few pulpy dribbles down my septum) fun but alas no romantic connection. Thanks Cilla but the search for love still very much continues. A search that presumably is becoming more evident as the facebook algorithm appears to have tuned in & every other post I now see is this advert for psychic future husband portraiture. Either their algo is on point or in fact this psychic is indeed legit & can sense my desperation from far afield, as I am actually very tempted to use his services to point me in the right direction. Then all I need do is swipe tinder until I spot him surely? Bobs your uncle & potentially your soulmate too, boom.
Right so what else to report, its minimal like I said, we are talking a virtual baby shower, a trip to Tesco, a Minnie mouse dutty whine & my first 15 minute plus conversation with a human face to face, albeit 2metre away. I suppose that last one is quite exciting though in all honesty…
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Sunday 10th May, BoJo confused the nation with his stay alert speech, leaving us all bamboozled. It could have been his Churchill moment, everybody, even me, tuned in with bated breath. Instead he just contradicted himself multiple times leaving us all none the wiser whether we should “go to work, don’t go to work, but go to work” The main thing to come out which again was hardly easy to recognise amongst all the bumpf was households can mix in open spaces 1 person at a time at a 2m distance which for someone alone like me is pretty big news (since then it has now grown to 6 people, not that I know that many people in Cambridge to be honest). This led to my aforementioned chat with my mate Kuljit as we walked around Grantchester & led to me having a socially distanced meal in my parents garden, having deemed it big enough than some small municipal spaces. The general mood is changing also. The world seems more relaxed & more people & cars are out & about & businesses are taking the initiative & opening up with creative adherence to regulation. Takeaway pints from pubs are now a thing & people are getting pissed in parks under the guise of supporting local business. Still far way off normal. Kids are still at home, & thoughts regards how exactly a socially distanced school will work from next month remains to be seen. (since writing this years 1 & 6 are now back at school)
SO MUCH needs to be done before work environments are safe for people to socially distance in though so Boris saying you can go back to work tomorrow was pretty confusing. I don’t know how it is going to work, even walking around Cambridge today with the city functioning at about 10% of normal activity I was ducking & diving trying to stay 2 metres apart. Its like living in the Krypton Factor. You have to strategically time your crossing of the road with meticulous precision & hope the traffic will cooperate when faced with two pedestrians walking towards you on BOTH sides of the street. Its quite amusing but in reality how the hell this will work anywhere, especially a city like London, is just unfathomable. But at the same time the economy does need to get back on its feet which is why its further confusing why the chancellor announced an extension to the furlough scheme until OCTOBER?! Real incentive there for people to get creative with solutions! That’s another 4 months?! Why would he do that? Why not work one month at a time & get sectors separately on their feet? Non-essential retail can open from 15th June but with the exuberantly generous packages I don’t see much motivation for a lot of businesses to be honest. Unless I am really misunderstanding it somehow, please put me right if I am. I guess I am a bit bitter…. especially as undoubtedly we will all foot this 100 billion pound bill at some point in higher taxes. No such thing as a free lunch.
I know a lot of people need it, its more those that abuse the system this is aimed at I guess; business owners who can well afford to pay their staff but are choosing to take the welfare route of which Victoria Beckham got shamelessly outed for. Anyway negativity will get me nowhere & I am super fortunate in so many areas of my life I have no grounds for anything but gratitude so shut up I will. So much gratitude in fact, I had such a lovely outpouring of love from people after I showed the clip of me crying in the park on VE Day, that I had to do a public thank you.
In the week that followed I spent a lot more time at home, sometimes quietly contemplating, often times hunched over my laptop working on projects inc trading & self work. I published Mr Panama & set up my podcast so I was super busy but I was stationary, at home, always at home. It got to the point were I really had to psyche myself up to go outside, I just wasn’t used to it anyore. I was becoming a hermit. My sleep patterns got even crazier, regularly going to bed around 4am & hygiene also reached new lows & one day after re-discovering just how wonderful it is to be clean it actually felt like being reborn.
After this orgasmic feeling of cleanliness I decided I really needed to reinvest in myself & had some date nights with me, myself & I under the stars on the balcony. I also treated myself having lived quite frugally up to this point to some treats which I had denied myself since my birthday, especially sweet items as I’d basically had a ban on all sugar from the house. Then I went aaaall out & splashed out, of all things, on a Wagner from X-factor bespoke video… as you do. I filed it under helping support local business. His instagram advert had only garnered 10 likes when I saw it & I felt crushed for him especially as he had invested so heavily in customer relations as my email response shows… LOL
This is more what I was after but sadly it was out of my budget.
After all the excitement of this died down I forced myself out for a wander at Wandlebury country park with a new pal called Derek who gets an ever so brief mention in my new podcast episode – check it out… Blatant shoehorned plug there but you gotta do what you gotta do.
On my way home I spot a seriously fucking cool tribute to the NHS which really warms my heart so I swing the car around & pull up for a photo. This makes me feel all gooey which is then sent into overdrive when I get home just in time for the penultimate clap for carers. The neighbours are out in force with various instruments including a tambourine, recorder, tuba & a vuvuzela! I am so overjoyed at the community spirit I almost miss a plane above creating a heart & a smiley face in the sky! Possibly the coolest thing I’ve ever seen. It was truly amazing & I go inside feeling utterly cloud niney!
That weekend buoyed by this new beautful lease of life I am intent on starting afresh the following week & getting into some healthier habits so I clean the house from top to bottom like an absolute boss which is about 2 months over due. Its a mammoth task but I finish it in classic Jade style with the music blaring & it feels magnificent.
I’m set for a great week & my trading is going really well but then social media starts getting flooded with video of a horrendous murder. One perpetrated by the police, in front of our eyes caught on camera, as George Floyds neck is knelt upon for a whole 8 minutes 46 seconds, whilst he pleads he can’t breathe until he no longer moves.
It is one, if not the most harrowing thing I have ever watched, the flashbacks of which sent me over the edge into emotional outbursts that have yet to stop. I ended up writing a piece that I mentioned earlier that you can read by clicking this link ( ‘I can’t breathe’) if you are interested which I hope you are. There is a lot we can all do to aid understanding & equality in our society, but to do so we all have to admit we are racist to some degree. Its not nice to admit, but the truth is none of us can escape a lifetime of racist conditioning so we all must educate ourselves, which I am doing. I do not want to unintentionally be part of the problem anymore & continue to enjoy & uphold the systems that afford me my white privilege whilst falsely calling myself a non-racist. It’s actually quite freeing in many ways owning up to being a racist because I have definitely had confused feelings in the past regards race but to understand that society reinforces it & there’s something I can do about it feels liberating.
This is all getting a bit heavy for a lockdown journal entry I know but it is so important. All humans should be afforded the same rights & treatment pure & simple & quite plainly, if you are honest with yourself right now they do not.
I spend two days cooped up trying to process everything through my newly opened retinas, & absorbing more & more emerging damning police brutality videos. By Thursday I recognised I had to leave the house for my own sanity, the walls were coming in on me & I needed air. I had to get out, so I timed it with the tenth & possibly last Clap for Carers at 8pm & saw lots of people on their doorsteps cheering & smiling which was glorious & a much needed contrast with my self built prison. The meadows of Grantchester were amazing too & like always I thought to myself why do you not do this more often as you always love it, I was filled with warmth & wonder at nature… but then… I spotted an abandoned, disposable BBQ & a leftover picnic complete with multiple glass wine bottles left up & down the river bank & I felt the rage return. Fucking humanity.
Absolutely revolting. I’ve been angered often before by peoples disrespect but I was beyond livid this time & I had to do something about it. I couldn’t just leave it to upset someone else or injure some wildlife. So I started to pick it up. This is not like me, I have not done this voluntarily before what is going on? I can only imagine that lockdown has brought me more inline with my true human nature, & having minimal contact with other humans for so long has left me more in tune with my surroundings & emotions. In many ways I have idealised humans in the interim & now have deep disdain for them when they don’t match up to my ideals. I really hoped & prayed this period of mass slow down would bring about change as we globally reflect on our action. The environment has flourished without our interventions, pollution has plummeted & throughout strict lockdown I didn’t once see any rubbish, it was a paradise. Not the case now. I was disgusted at what I witnessed. Luckily I had a bag for life in my bumbag which I used to transport as much rubbish as I could, plus multiple empty abandoned bottles of wine under my arm, looking like a jogger with a severe alcohol dependency. Unfortunately I was unable to pick up all of it. It was simply too vast. So so upsetting. Under one tree was a whole set up, dirty plates, cups & serviettes, empty packaging & drink cans, everything just left. I picked up what I could & was careful of course but I was bare handed & there was a lot of drinking vessels which of course are covered with germs. Once I had gotten out of the park & found a bin to rid myself of the trash I suddenly became aware of how dirty & infected I felt. It was kind of a silly thing to do looking back. We are all meant to be staying 2 metres from one another yet here I am picking up other, clearly already irresponsible, peoples used cups, lollipop sticks & cigarette butts off the floor. I got home & disinfected myself multiple times but felt really quite upset by the whole experience leading to more tears. I got so het up the only way to dissolve the pained energy I had was to go dancing on the balcony. It was close to 10pm at this point & blaring my music led to several neighbours sticking their head out form behind their curtains whilst I waved back whilst getting down to some James Brown. Chill out Karen it was only 15 minutes & what a well needed 15 minutes that was.
I then indulged in some further coping strategies to try soothe my brain before bed & was grateful the next day to have to pick up some scrubs which reminded me once more that humanity can be wonderful.
Sadly the coming days make me have my doubts… More insanely troubling footage coming to light from USA, more crazy shit as protests & riots & looting erupt the world over, more pain, more arguments with friends & family over social media, more pain. I try to be proactive other than just firefight casual racism from my sofa over Facebook (& bizarrely LinkedIn too) & start a petition against Trump whose tweet actually gets flagged by Twitter for glorifying violence. Calls himself a leader?! What a sad excuse of a man he is. I also attend a peaceful, super well organised socially distanced protest in Cambridge in support of the BLM movement which is reverberating around the world, but when your eyes have jut been opened to 400 years of systematic oppression its difficult to feel like you are having any impact. But continue I must, so much change is needed. We are in the middle of the biggest human rights movement the world has ever seen & I must continue highlighting what is going on to those who continue to turn a blind eye so back to social media I go. See you online.
