I’m not okay.

You are not okay.

We are not okay.

None of us are okay. This time in history is like no other & we are ALL affected in a myriad of ways. However one thing is for certain; if you haven’t been massively awoken by the Black Lives Matter Movement then you might want to ask yourself why?

Its not comfortable to admit but we all know black people are treated unfairly in our society by our systems AND ourselves. Intentionally or not, it’s a fact. So I implore anyone reading this to step up & admit this is your problem too & you are willing to do something about it. We must actively work to obliterate our racial prejudices & be willing to talk about it. We all have them. It’s unavoidable. It’s okay, please just want to be better. Please. I beg you.

Since my own admission of guilt I have been on quite a rollercoaster as I open my eyes to what is really going on in the world. A world I have long been in love with but now no longer see in the same way, & it’s on this crazy backdrop, something else pretty big, that I am about to share with you, happened which has further magnified my downward decline for the past few weeks.

Admitting how crap I have been feeling however is difficult as everyone is suffering right now. Everyone. So you shut up & carry on because there are many far worse off than you. This is why I haven’t ‘leaned into’ these feelings before as I feel ashamed for being down, what right do I have to feel sad & upset? People are dying. People are experiencing real trauma. Plus I’m Jade. I’m Miss Positive, nothing gets me down for long. I might hint at it, post something, or share a snippet but I feel pressure to bounce back because I find it very stressful to be angry at the world & its a feeling that I can’t sit with long, I must look for the positives. Happy & light is my default. But truth is, my outlook right now is bleak & whilst I can say the darkest days of last week are behind me & I am on the up, I need to express some of these emotions.

I have an intrinsic urge for complete transparency in my life. Its a sensation I don’t truly understand, but let’s be clear it is not a cry for help, I don’t need sympathy, I’m merely expressing & in doing so it releases the demons. By writing my thoughts & pressing publish I begin to heal. That’s why I will never be able to praise journalling highly enough. Its free therapy. So I’m going to let rip now with everything bubbling in my head & then I’m going to feel better & then I will be able to strategize & make positive steps. That’s my process.

(psst honesty alert… truth is I wrote this a few days ago so I am already doing much better so please no sympathy necessary! If you feel the urge please instead go check in with your black friends & offer assistance, they are fucking hurting right now, not me, this is nothing in comparison)

Here goes…

Seriously, what a fucking wild time this is;

Locked in the house on my own for 23 hours a day, for 3 months in complete isolation, due to a global pandemic reportedly caused by someone eating a bat in China, that has left me with zero income & zero human contact.

Ridic.

During this already insanely crazy time, global race riots, triggered by the horrific murder of George Floyd, prompt me to have an insanely profound whiteness awakening that means I can no longer see the world in the same way again. My eyes are pulled wide open on the racial inequality we live & breathe day in, day out; a system that I have unknowingly contributed to. The shift in my worldview is dramatic & the overwhelm is real.

But why stop there? To top it all off, right in the midst of this awakening, you know the one on the backdrop of a global epidemic which means I’ve had no income for 3 months, so I’m living off my savings? Yes that one… Yeah, I lose all my savings.

What? All of them?

Yep, all of them.

I am now not just unemployed but fully broke.

Wow. Thank you 2020. Goodnight.

Sooo let’s just properly vent some of that emotion;

I’m angry about George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Tony McDade, Ahmaud Arbery & on & on & on & on & onnnn

I am angry about every single piece of police brutality footage I see.

I’m angry at the police brutality in response to the protests ABOUT the police brutality.

I’m angry about David McAtee, Sarah Grossman & countless others killed & seriously injured whilst peacefully protesting.

I’m angry that that sad excuse for a human Donald fucking Trump is in power.

I am angry that his party is suppressing votes in black communities.

I am angry he will probably get a second term.

I’m angry about the deception & lies that permeate every level of the justice system that more often than not protects the actual criminals; law enforcement.

I’m angry that rioters & looters are ruining & detracting from the message of the protest for basic human rights.

I’m angry that our world is built on a system designed to benefit one group over another delineated by colour of skin.

I’m angry that so many of the people around me are unwilling to open their eyes to racial inequality & their place in it.

I’m angry white privilege exists.

I’m angry I haven’t better supported my black family & friends who have been persecuted because of the colour of their skin.

I’m angry I have buried my head in the sand so long at the injustice of the society we live in.

I’m angry that I don’t know how to do more.

I’m so angry & my eyes have been pulled open so wide, I wonder if I will ever be able to be truly happy again.

I’m angry about the state of this planet to the point where I probably will not have children as a result.

I’m angry everytime I go on social media.

I’m angry so many of my white friends & family don’t get it.

I am angry about the uncomfortable confrontations I am having with people on race.

I am angry that I am not magically a wizard at this already.

I’m angry I have to distance myself from a lot of people.

I’m angry that my brain can’t disconnect.

I’m angry that Covid-19 could have been prevented.

I’m angry about our governments handling of the Covid-19 crisis.

I am angry that my parents are at risk.

I am angry for everyone who has lost someone & who is suffering.

I’m angry I’ve lost my job & may never get it back.

I’m angry I get no government support because I am newly self employed as of August last year & so don’t receive any financial support.

I’m angry that if I lived in Scotland I magically would meet the criteria & would get funding.

I’m angry that I will be paying for everyone elses support in the form of higher taxation for many years to come.

I am angry that I am resentful towards furloughed people & others benefiting, even though I know the vast majority need it.

I am angry at myself for having uncontrollable human emotions.

I’m angry we are heading towards a global depression.

I’m angry at myself for losing my 5 figure savings on a rogue FX trading robot last week.

I’m angry I have literally no money.

I’m angry I have no back-up plan.

I am angry I am 36 & still fuck up royally.

I’m angry I can’t hug anyone.

I’m angry I’m lonely.

I’m angry my lovelife is on hold

I’m angry I have no one to love in a romantic sense.

I’m angry nobody loves me in a romantic sense.

I’m angry that the fridge is empty.

I’m angry that the Co-Op is shut right now & I really fancy some fruit.

I’m angry that my face is covered in spots.

I am angry that I am angry.

I’m angry I can’t see a way out of my situation.

Wow thats a lot of anger, lets try balance that with some gratitude shall we…

I am grateful for the unerring support of my family.

I am grateful for my body & my health.

I am grateful that I have a roof over my head.

I am grateful I am not in debt.

I am grateful I will not go hungry.

I am grateful that I don’t live in USA

I am grateful for my best friend, my sister.

I am grateful for my life coach, who continues to support me even though I can not pay him.

I am grateful for those few friends I feel completely safe with.

I am grateful for this blog & for discovering the therapeutic benefits of the written word.

I am grateful for the small platform & supportive network I have created.

I am grateful for each message I receive. (just lay off the sympathy yeah?! LOL I def have a problem with receiving help or something, apologies I will work on it)

I am grateful for the little nudges of warmth I receive from strangers in the form of smiles.

I am grateful for technology that keeps me connected.

I am grateful I have been awakened & I will no longer contribute to inequality.

I am grateful I can see clearly & am willing to be honest with myself.

I am grateful for all the amazing activists out there making big changes happen.

I am grateful for every single person who is freshly awakened.

I am grateful to be alive.

I am grateful to have choices.

I am grateful that before I lost all my money I bought a glittery face mask & a litter picker than I’m genuinely super excited to use.

I am grateful for a new interesting chapter in my book.

I am grateful for the unexpected swerve my life is taking.

I am grateful for all the lessons I am about to receive.

I know there is a happy ending for me out there somewhere. I know this is temporary. I know everything happens for a reason so this is part of the course. I know there is a paycheck out there somewhere with my name on it. I know I will love again. I know I will get better at communicating. I know I will become a better person. I know we are on the path to change & better times lie ahead.

Life is an experience. This is learning. I grow.

I am grateful.