Following on from a recent post, & despite some light relief this week I continue to feel lower than I’ve ever been.

Seems a tally chart doesn’t fix everything.

I mean I didn’t have a shower yesterday soooo I guess that could be the culprit.

Thought I could get away with having two today, didn’t I?

Guess not.

Whether it was the skipped shower or not that prompted it, it was the social media spiral that really did it.

I didn’t take my own advice as detailed in Strategy 1.0 & almost immediately I felt excruciatingly terrible & 24 hours on I am still struggling hard.

I can’t go into details but trying to combat hateful racist content from people you know & love online is really awful, draining, upsetting & all the other negative adjectives you can think up & I cried myself to sleep again last night & wept much of today after a 4 day weeping hiatus.

My strategy dictates I take a breath & tackle it privately but its hard to disregard in the moment when ignorant people are agreeing with one another & encouraging uneducated thought. I can’t just scroll on by & its not as simple as turning it off. I can’t do that. Basic human rights & equality for all is at stake. Someone has to help with the errors in their thinking, the gaps in their knowledge. So many are misinformed, & I’m not just talking about the obviously racist bigots either. The subtleties in speech of those who claim to be progressive; often promoting the damaging ‘I am colorblind’ story-line, which simplifies the issue & absolves them of true responsibility are the ones most in denial about the unequal state of our society, so I have been politely intervening.

It takes a lot of thought & energy though & after exhausting myself silly with Facebook firefighting I then did the one thing on my tally chart I have been consistent with which is reading, & continued with my book “Why I am no longer talking to white people about race” by Reni Eddo-Lodge. Its a great book & I’m learning a lot but the scale of the issue is a lot to take in & it sunk me lower.

Even though I have traveled extensively, read widely & move in multi-cultural circles etc I have remained quite naive to much of lifes pitfalls. Mainly due to my white privilege & my rainbow coloured lenses. I mean, I believed in Father Christmas until I was 12 & long afterwards continued to take everything my parents ever told me as gospel. I didn’t really start questioning life or anything in it until I was 30. I had an unwavering belief in humanity, especially the police & the justice system. It just didn’t occur to me that these institutions could operate in any other way than for the benefit of all. Over time these views have weakened but nothing could have prepared me for the footage I have seen in the last 3 weeks. (check out @shaunking on instagram if you are still in the dark)

On top of that I’ve also witnessed the silent complicity of SO many people in my life; the vast majority of those that surround me. Friends I now feel confused by & am unsure how I will deal with going forward. Don’t get me wrong we are in the middle of a pandemic, its a crazy ass time, some people are pregnant, moving house, homeschooling etc but if you have been on social media in the last 3 weeks & you haven’t said anything to show solidarity please ask yourself why & just know that rightly or wrongly it sends a message. I know there are many other ways to support this movement & social media isn’t exactly the be all & end all but uniting on this together publicly is so important. We must rally to make the real racists question their bullshit beliefs & we must show our friends of colour that we fully support them. Imagine how it feels to find everyone in your life is turning a blind eye to your daily struggle, that they haven’t got your back. I am trying so hard not to judge the silent & give them excuses but I’ve got to tell you its tough. I’ll also tell you now it is not too late. Never too late to pick up a book & express an opinion, repost something, black square… If you are struggling with this, maybe you are worried about saying the wrong thing etc do get in touch I’d love to have an open, completely non-judgmental discussion & help.

Anyway what I’m trying to say is I have to figure out how to function in, what has now become, quite an ugly world for me. Additionally we have self isolation & financial woes in the mix & it really does make quite the recipe for a personal crisis. A tally chart is not going to help me survive this so lets start again. What I really need is an updated paradigm.

Firstly I should recognize that black people have suffered for 400 long years on this. Me finally opening my eyes to the magnitude of the situation whilst might be overwhelming for me, is actually incredibly positive, as a global awakening provides hope for real change. Whilst many black people are heartbroken beyond measure at the ignorance & silent complicity displayed by many of their colleagues & even close friends, I know many are also taken aback by the strength of the protests & the numbers of white people in attendance. The opportunity is huge. Now is the time for action, not breaking down & giving up.

So, believe in better.

Humanity has been in disrepair for a long time but that shouldn’t diminish the fact that the world is still a bonafide miracle. The planet & the wider universe is nothing short of astonishing, as is the incredible anatomy of the human body & the intricacies of nature & the elements. I am living in an awe inspiring, unbelievable, breath-taking place; planet Earth & I am lucky to reside here. It is an opportunity not to be squandered. Many sperm came before me, yet here I am… (sorry just a bit of light relief!)

So, spend more time in nature.

And whilst we are on this glorious orb hurtling around the sun at breakneck speed without a manual, it would serve us well to break down the little we do unequivocally know about our existence. There is minimal evidence to suggest that life is anything but an experience. There is no tangible end goal. Achievements, purchases, money, status, followers; these are all man-made concepts & little good came from anything ego-led. None of these actually matter. Ultimately we are simply all here experiencing, learning & growing & then one day we are no longer.

So, listen to what really moves you.

Each individuals journey is unique but one thing does unite us all. As evidenced in children across the globe, we are all born with the same unbounded capacity for love & curiosity… until our experience teaches us otherwise. Reconnecting with this basic human essence might just be our only goal. So it makes sense then to be kind, compassionate & supportive to everyone, including those who have become misinformed & confused on this journey of rediscovery. They may respond poorly, but you never know when you might just say the right word that strikes that necessary chord that brings them home.

So, always be kind.

We all have a positive contribution to make to this world & to be as effective as possible on this tumultuous ride there is a balance to be maintained. Protecting your energy is critical. Let self love & compassion be your priority & do not be afraid to retreat when necessary. Life can’t be fun & games 24/7, not least because how else would you grow?

So, listen to your body.

Right now I am in such a trough & things are magnified but I won’t give into those demons & even though the world can appear bleak I know my thoughts are transient & changing. I know no matter how bad it feels in this moment, in the next that feeling might alleviate or shift somewhat. No emotion is static, so trust a moment of clarity & growth is on the horizon just like the one you are having right now.

Trust the process.