The sun is ablaze once more & I tuck into some Tesco goodies on the balcony of dreams. My birthday has reawakened some long dormant junk food cravings so its pizza & rocky road for breakfast. I also might be comfort eating as a result of a heinous act the night before when I was forced into euthanizing Sally & the gang. I feel awful but their time had come & it was that or a slow, sorry deflationary demise. I was left with no option.
To pep myself up further I read a great book on the balc called the Four tendencies by Gretchin Rubin from cover to cover, well actually that’s a bare-faced lie. I read the section dedicated to my tendency – Rebel – from cover to cover because… well I’m a rebel & that’s good use of time innit & I spend the rest of the day lounging in my schexy 2 way sequin swimsuit gifted from my pal Alex & pretending I’m at Burning man, which by the way is attempting to go virtual this year! How the hell they intend to do that I do na know. Good luck to you I say.
I then jump on a video call with friends from my co-work space & am now imminently expecting a nomination for a most inappropriately dressed on a VC award, with my boobs frequently trying to make a bid for freedom, but I successfully keep the camera aloft, upwards of the dangerzone 87% of the time. They embarrassingly sing me Happy Birthday (my friends, not my boobs) & as such create a Guinness world record for longest ever celebrated birthday. Its damn cute though & because of the delay they are all out of time with one another so it sounds like they are deliberately harmonising in the round & I just wish I had recorded it because it was actually brilliant. This is followed by a quiz which I fail miserably at. I swear Lockdown has killed off some brain cells I wrongly call the moon a star & argue that the anagram “AbstractinG hop area” couldn’t possibly be spaghetti carbonara because it doesn’t have a “g” in it! Jade you fool. Stupid & blind, what’s going on?! I continue to shame myself by making two toasted avo bagels during the duration of the call & scoffing them in plain view of everyone, thankfully I had the good sense to mute myself. Even more thankful for this since I did actually discover later this week that I am a disgusting eater. I got taken in by an impulse purchase of, nigh on sacrilegious, pineapple flavoured jaffa cakes. I know right what was I thinking? Curiosity got the better of me & in my defence they were half price. I then deemed it appropriate to film myself taking the first bite & broadcast it to the world. It was gross. Memo to self: shut ya mouth when eating, especially when a camera is pointed at you, BY you. You dickhead.
Next day its a bit cooler so I head out on a jog which is wonderful & mired by only two things. 1. the NHS responder siren goes off at deafening volume in my earpiece & comes close to bursting an ear drum & 2) I spot a group of Deliveroo & UberEats drivers waiting on food orders standing around chatting next to their bikes within heavy petting distance. I can’t believe my eyes. These guys out of everyone on the streets right now should be the most careful. Everyone else around is adhering carefully & I just can’t help myself from barking at them. “YOU GUYS SHOULD BE SOCIAL DISTANCING THE MOST OUT OF ALL OF US!” One bites back & says indignantly “we are, 2 metres.” & points to a space the size of a small dog. I snap back “NO IT BLOODY ISN’T” & stomp off, all the while thinking of all the cleverer things I should have said. Meanwhile everyone else on the street starts giving me a 3 metre wide berth.
Back at the flat I’ve promised my life coach, oh yeah I forgot to mention that I dumped the therapist a couple weeks back, & am now full steam ahead with my life coach/buddy – he will love that description, a Panjabi MC balcony rave up. I go all out Bollywood & wear a saree which has me sweating cobs, but it goes down a treat with my biggest instagram fanbase, the Indian contingent. Owing to my heritage & the worldwide passport on my tinder profile I get a lot of love from the Indian subcontinent. Bollywood may just come knocking for me one day.
That night my parents host an online dinner party for my sister, her partner & I, & bless their cottons, my dad is in a tux & everything! I didn’t get the fancy attire memo so let the team down a bit but they should just be grateful quite frankly that my tits weren’t lolling out & resting on the table like they were in my last chat. We eat “together”, play some games & a thoroughly delightful time is had by all. I am very lucky to have such gorgeous family. It was really lovely. Just towards the end I hit a wall though & get super tired & a little ratty, maybe because I was sharing a screen with 2 pairs of loved up, laughing, touchy feel-y couples so it did magnify my own solitude a bit. Its been 6 weeks without touching a human after all & none in sight, so felt bit sorry for myself but think was mostly brought on by fatigue. Wearing that heavy saree earlier in the day really took it out of me.
Sunday is a leisurely affair. Writing, chilling, all very low key. So low key in fact that when my weekly virtual speed date appointment swings round I am loathe to change out of my scruffs or put on any make up. Plus this app hasn’t actually worked previously so to avoid disappointment I turn up as I am & of course the bloody thing works. Up pops David, who, no word of a lie takes one look at me & disappears. I mean, the cheek! I was actually a little dumbfounded & taken aback as I had just been hollering his name as all I could see was ceiling so I melodically(ish), in an Ariel the little mermaid type fashion, sang “Daviiiiiid oh Daaaaaaavid” only for him to promptly appear, pull a face then vanish! Leaving me with the message “your date has left the chat” notification. I didn’t let it get me down though & rolled the dice again & hung out with another gent for 3 minutes whilst basically just observing my own video the entire time & dissecting my own face I can’t actually remember a single thing about our brief interaction; lo & behold it wasn’t a match. Cupids arrow was far off the mark but as they say you’ve got to be in it to win it. Perhaps washed & dressed would be a good start though. Lets hope David wasn’t the one that got away.
Afterwards I log onto my dating apps & notice I have been downgraded by one for setting up a fake facebook profile account to whom I then sent an invitation to join the dating app. This was so I could read my messages which without signing people up or paying moulah you don’t normally have access to. Craftily I had signed up Eli Dent (who?!) & got to read 82 messages before they busted my deception. It was wildly disappointing anyway. Zero prospects. Can’t say I was that bothered. I don’t know if its the little hit of “real” virtual dating I’ve gotten but I must say my appetite for male attention has dropped off a cliff lately. I’ve been trying to figure it out & its possible that I’m at the mercy of a hormonal cycle that I’ve never really been aware of until now as I do notice it peaks & troughs. Last week I was needier & reached out to a few suitors & had some chats but this week I really can’t be arsed. Though that could also be because they mostly turned out to be idiot covid fuck boys. YUCK. Have some damn respect you filthy animals… So many variables at play.
It could also be that now I’ve rediscovered my writing mojo I’m just really not that bothered, datings apps were just a distraction, so having found, dare I say it a passion (?!), instead I have been going IN on the writing. I’ve actually FINISHED the Hawaii story which for the uninitiated is my real life story that commenced in October 2016. Nearly 4 years later I am proud to say I am finally going to be publishing the final 20th installment this week. What a gigantic monkey off my shoulders. Feels so damn good!
Another boost to my productivity this week was the discovery of Focusmate. A website which pairs you with people to work remotely alongside via a video conferencing application. Its a bit bizarre but totally worked. I sat at my desk (as opposed to sofa) for first time in weeks alongside Joanna in Germany in complete silence for 50 minutes & made some great progress. So can totally recommend if anyone having difficulty knuckling down at home. Knuckles being all I really saw of Joanna also.
Also another major productivity boost which further mixes up the theories above is the recent poor turn in the weather. Its funny how all these things play a part. When its sunny I feel compelled to fry in it, wearing minimal clothing & the effect is twofold. One I get less work done because well you know laptops, suncream & glaring sunlight don’t mix too fondly & two, please let me know if anyone else can sympathize with this… is it me or is the sun an aphrodisiac of sorts? It makes me feel good, makes me want to hang with a male counterpart & I find it drives me to the dating apps, or to the ex-files or whatever, in search of attention which FURTHER reduces my workflow!! I’m telling you there is a scientific formula in there somewhere. If only I could channel this solar energy for good, I could have probably solved world hunger by now.
