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Today was an unexpectedly emotional day.
I know, call me crazy but I was not expecting the 75th anniversary of millions of people giving up their lives for our freedom to stir up any emotion… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ The Captain Tom Moore montages, the veterans, the spitfires, black & white footage of war-torn atrocities, Vera Lynn on repeat… nope, I didn’t see it coming. I’m silly I know, I guess I just got a bit fixated on the scones. I thought it was going to be all happiness & light. Us all waving flags at each other from our doorsteps.
According to BBC reports, & regular Mum anchored news bulletins, there were actually many socially distanced street parties going on up & down the country but sadly not in my neighbourhood. Should I live in a cul-de-sac of a hamlet in the West Country I imagine my mood might very well be different but alas the streets around my home remained very much devoid of red, white & blue.
After discovering this lack of patriotic cheer I did think “darn I should have organised something myself”. But then I remembered that of the thirteen other flats in my building only two responded to my letter in January regards setting up a Whatsapp community, & of those two, one has since moved out.
I gave them a second chance when lockdown kicked off & taped up a sign in the foyer with another expression of attempted unification, with my contact details affixed. Still nothing. I’m not sure what more than a global pandemic it would take to get my neighbours to rally support for one another.
Today I tore down that sign.
An hour before, unaware at this point of the obscene lack of bunting, I for the first time since lockdown went out on my 1 hour day release without taking any music or podcast as distraction. Instead I thought it would be nice to engage with passersby & people in their front gardens celebrating, rather than being in my own world. I wanted to connect & feel part of something. So I took myself out on a flag hunt…dressed as a flag. You know, to do my bit. Spread some cheer.
I was super excited to see other humans having not seen one in 48 hours. However it didn’t go quite to plan. Although to be fair, it started quite well. A dog ran towards me excitedly & I got an apology from his owner, which was a thrilling verbal exchange, though he didn’t actually look up once. Then the highlight of my trip; I saw a woman & her mother drinking gin out of china teacups on their front lawn & got majorly excited. I struck up convo over the fence & it was a wonderful 60 seconds, I loved it. Little did I know though, I had peaked too soon. Thereafter, despite craning my neck to interact, from a safe distance, of course, with every single person I passed, most people didn’t even acknowledge me. I made a conscious effort to smile at each & every one, but most looked straight through. This is despite wearing a union jack sequined dress, with two St. Georges flags flying out the top of my head.
I’ve never felt so alone. This is the 8th week for me alone in self isolation & its funny that whats finally made me crack is being outside, surrounded by other people. I started blubbing & couldn’t stop. Then someone did shout “nice dress” & then I really started to wail.
It was confusing.
Admittedly I find it hard to articulate precisely what it is that affects me so much & certainly the VE day emotions were bubbling under the surface, so there was a lot going on but my guess would be the general lack of recognition from one human being to the next. It doesn’t sting like a personal insult, instead it creates an overwhelming sense of sadness. For the first time in many of our lifetimes we ALL have something of incredible magnitude in common. We are all in a collective crisis together, even though our circumstances may be vastly different, we are still all experiencing something we can’t ignore, something that ties us together. Furthermore, today was a double whammy. VE day again unites us; a nationwide event to which we all owe a huge debt of gratitude. I wanted to walk out my front door today & share that sense of pride & jubilation with others, a togetherness that is magnified further in this time, but instead I felt lonelier than ever. Even the cashier in the Co-op didn’t look up.
I know what you are going to say. We are all different. We are all dealing with any number of things, in a multitude of ways & I get that. Undoubtedly a small proportion of people who I saw today were not in the headspace to interact in any small way at all, I’ve been there, I get that. Head down, no eye contact. I also think its fair to highlight that as we complete our second month of quarantine, many of us are weary & are struggling. But to turn your head when someone smiles directly at you, I find difficult to contend with. Few of these people were solo either, which further compounded the solitude.
Consequently what I really fear is a more systemic issue with the way we have allowed society to evolve. An increasingly insular way of life where others are observed with suspicion. I mean, sure there might be something fundamentally quite unnerving about a fully grown woman dressed as a spice girl, complete with gold lamé bumbag walking in your direction but lets give her the benefit of the doubt, especially if shes beaming at you with a skip in her step.
I like to think of strangers as friends you haven’t met yet & one smile which takes little to no effort on your part can pay huge dividends in someone elses world, especially now.
So that’s why I can’t give up smiling, even though I want to for a bit. Smile rejection is a real thing & it does hurt, but I’ve got to heed my own mantra now because even if only one of my many smiles today made a positive impact then it has to be worthwhile. Smiles are contagious after all & I’m happy to be a carrier.
I think I will put my sign back up tomorrow too.
P.s I would just like to acknowledge all those that did smile at me today, I am very grateful. Special thanks to the man in the check shirt who I walked past on no less than three separate occasions, including one through his car window, through which, he still gave me a huge Cheshire cat grin. Thank you check shirt man you may have prevented a full scale breakdown.
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