WARNING THIS POST CONTAINS EXPLICIT MATERIAL THAT SOME READERS, MYSELF INCLUDED, MIGHT FIND OFFENSIVE.

Day 48 of self isolation & it’s getting a bit old. Plus I’ve had an itchy ear (I know, what a weird symptom) for 3 or 4 days now & it kept me up most of the previous night. Somethings got to give so I ring the docs who inform me of a new online system where I write about my ailment on a site called askmygp.uk & very quickly get a phone response. Its blimin’ good. Only used it once but if that’s the standard in these crazy pandemic times then fantastic. Within the hour there was a prescription for steroid cream waiting for me at the local pharmacist. I really do think this pandemic is going to unintentionally create some massive efficiencies.

I’m planning on going to Tesco today too so I get dolled up in an exquisite, sequin all in one & get on the road.

Its all very uneventful bar an illicit rendezvous in Tesco car park to exchange a batch of DVDs with a pal in dire need of entertainment. We successfully manage it with zero contact through a car window & jobs a gudd’un. On the way home I have some scrubhub deliveries to do & Marion, everyones favourite pattern cutter, has very sweetly made me a cake pop for my troubles. Very cute. Its been a long day of queuing & mental gymnastics shopping for multiple households wanting obscure items like oat & walnut yoghurt & bacon grill. I get home exhausted but for some reason the urge to dance remains strong so I get on the balc in what remains of the sunshine & belt out a few numbers including this one that takes me back to my 30th birthday party where I hired a bowling alley & did a choreographed dance off with a transvestite called John Sizzle to this very song.

Earlier in the day I had also posted this little gem as I celebrated the end of my busy day being nigh.

For some reason when I’m excited I do find myself pelvic thrusting, its what I do, it’s an unconscious reflex. No more so was this apparent than when my sister competed in the BBCs search for Nancy I’d do anything TV show & came running out of the audition to tell me she had got through whilst being followed by a gigantic film crew to capture my reaction. I started thrusting right in the lens since I was standing in an auditorium several steps up from the camera. It was mortifying & I have a sneaky suspicion my sister still blames me for not going much further in the competition after the producers probably concluded her family were too high risk for live TV coverage. Anyway I post this happy moment above & out of the blue I get a message from a long time old male friend I haven’t seen in ages who comments I look horny in the video. I guess he is referring to my celebratory snake hips, but sure I jokingly reply I haven’t touched a human for nearly 7 weeks after all! He then, no word of a lie, completely unsolicited sends me reams & reams of the filthiest foulest literotica I’ve ever seen. I couldn’t look directly at it, it literally took me days to pluck up the courage to read it, it was akin to eyeball assault. Who the f*ck does that? He is a mate, someone I’ve never had any more than platonic friendship with all these years I’ve known him. I can only conclude lockdown has sent him stark raving bonkers. I didn’t want to embarrass him too much at the time but it kinda feels like I’ve been molested its that unwanted. I’m utterly aghast so I’m going to post a few extracts here so I feel I’ve gotten my own back in a way because I let him get off way too lightly. It was literally 20 scrolls of an iPhone worth of rancidity, with no less than FOUR different spellings of the word clitoris, finished of with a very filtered post shower selfie. Anyway when I was finally able to read it, & even now I’m incapable of doing so without screwing my face up in complete & utter disgust, I did find this passage about a nose job quite comical, is this a thing?! I mean I guess it makes anatomical sense in many ways but really, its news to me; nose to clitoris action. I had to look it up to find out & that opened up a can of worms; seems like a nosejob can mean many things according to the messiah that is urban dictionary, my favourite also going by the name rhinonasty. It really has been quite the education so in the name of my religion gratitude attitude i must thank-you unwanted sex pest for educating me in the fine art of nasal sexploration.

Though just to get it off my chest… you f*cking sick, sick puppy, why did you do that you arsehole. You are my friend. Even if that video was an expression of sexual frustration, which I assure you it most certainly was not, that is not an invitation to fill my inbox with the foul depths of your dirty mind you disgusting cretin. I will never be desperate enough do you understand. NEVER.

Okay, I do feel mildly better now.

Next on my really pressing to do list, was getting the drone out to have a little spy on next doors giant treehouse – its massive, like double the size of my flat massive, so I want to have a little nose. Anyway stupidly I don’t calibrate it properly & the thing has no idea where its going so unsurprisingly I manage to cut my vase of flowers to shreds. Then on my second voyage which I film in case of humourous incident – its like I knew – I fly the damn thing into the door frame & have to intervene with my hand to stop it from REALLY doing some damage. Cue cut up hand, broken drone & paint chipped door frame. Oops indeed.

I lick my wounds & decide I really should focus my energies on something a little more productive & now with my Hawaii story finally finished perhaps I can focus on some other projects requiring some attention, namely my podcast. I’ve had a jingle & animation made for gods sake woman it is time. Unfortunately my ancient tech doesn’t agree & it takes a whole working day just to upload the first episode I recorded back in February. Still its a start & by the time I write again I pledge to have another TWO under my belt. C’mon girl you can do it.

If you are at all interested in this first episode you can watch/listen to it here at the bottom of the page, I don’t really intend on publicizing it because its pretty awful but if you have any feedback I would truly love to hear it to better inform the direction I go in. So if you do watch drop me a message. Appreciated.

I wake up excitedly on Friday as its VE Day 75th anniversary & a reason to celebrate & do something different from the normal balcony & bed routine I’ve got going on. The sun is out & I tune into live TV for the very first time during this whole pandemic debacle & am cheered by what I see; Red Arrows, Captain Tom Moore, plenty of assorted warbling & social distanced street parties. It looks fun & it encourages me to get dressed up in my sequined, of course, union jack dress & take to the streets of Cambridge in search of fun & frivolity. Maybe I can chat to some people in their front gardens & some kind fellow will lob me a sausage roll or similar.

I won’t go into it in detail because its been the subject of not one but two other posts I’ve written; please see here & here but I end up getting quite upset. A) there are barely any decorations out never mind 2 metre spaced revellers B) the vast majority of people look straight through me even though I’m clearly jazzed up to the nines with a couple of flags protruding from my head. It’s just weird. As if I wasn’t lonely enough in my flat on my tod I’m now even lonelier surrounded by people in the park who refuse to acknowledge my very existence even though I am beaming in their face. Anyway I get into it a bit more in those posts but safe to say I am over it now. It was no different really to any other day when most people ignore you, I just felt the effects more sharply this occasion given expectation. To make it worse too I went to put the key in the door as I arrived home & found it to be completely bent out of shape. No idea how I managed that. So now I’m a locked out damsel in distress, looking like a Geri Haliwell tribute act gone wrong. Fortunately I do get let in by a neighbour as after all they could hardly feign they were out in this climate. Everybody is in.

Next day I erase the previous days ills by dressing up as Jasmine (& Aladdin) & cheer myself up no end performing this little skit & yet again all is right with the world once more.

Seriously watching this will never get old. I laugh out loud every time even though I know exactly whats coming.