Right you might have noticed I’ve been a bit angry.

You might be too.

I’ve genuinely questioned how to go on & function in this new reality but I’ve had my pity party, now we strategize.

Since my white fragility got smashed to smithereens & I’m now wide awake to the world we actually inhabit, my task now is to a) work out how best to support the movement & b) do so in a way that stops me from crying at night & allows me to get Joyous Jade back.

Oh yeah & I should perhaps work on the ol’ income conundrum.

So heres what I’m thinking;

1. Keep reading, keep learning.

First up has got to be education. I’m reading & just wow, the stuff I’m learning. Black history is preeeeetty prominent white history too when it comes to the slave trade, yet doesn’t get much airtime does it?! The stuff that is hidden from view is actual insanity. Much rather push WWII on you in history class; how “we” saved the day. Funny that. I don’t remember learning anything about all the help we got, how in WWI the Gurkhas, the Sepoys & the rest of the colonies who were all drafted in as soldiers in their MILLIONS. And the slave trade? You know it went on for 270 years & only finished less than 200 years ago? WHAT? & here’s a fact that will shock you to the core… did you know it was only in 2015 TWENTY FIFTEEN, that the British government, aka us, our tax payers money, finished paying debt to the British slave owners because of the abolition of slavery in the form of compensation? ITS HORRIFIC. Honestly there is so much to learn its utterly shameful. Racism is everywhere including our school curriculum which is an absolute joke because knowledge is everything. You got to be qualified with your opinions with the actual facts & it seems there are some glaring omissions. How different society might be if we actually revered all these other races who stepped up to help us; all the Caribbean & African nations & the Asian countries. People who put their neck on the line for white English people, mostly in the hope that the Brits would grant their independence. But alas they didn’t.

2. Reactive

Now this is the biggie, what has been truly sending me into deepest despair has been how to communicate with those around me when I haven’t agreed with their ‘sentiment’, lets say, to what’s going on. This is most notable on Facebook which seems to be the cesspit-like birthplace of all things grotesque. I have been shocked & horrified at some of the filth I have seen of late & knowing how to interact with people to have the best possible impact is critical. Up until now however I have been in the angry phase & arguably have made it worse getting into slanging matches with people, even on LinkedIn of all the places. So a strategy is a must. For my own sanity too.

I think taking it off the public forum & chatting in messenger privately has got to be the best way. Unless they comment with something blasphemous directly on your own sacred page, because well, then we let loose bishes, but no until then I’ve decided if I see anything offensive, distasteful, misled etc then its in everyone’s best interests if I message them privately & offer up some friendly discussion on the topic. People are defensive as hell in public. That’s my take anyway & how I’m going to move forward for now. I will then unfollow anyone from my network who is unwilling to engage in learning & growth & repeat offends because I don’t need or want that energy anywhere near me. They can keep following me though unless they choose to stop themselves because they need to hear my peaceful propaganda , & one of these days something is going to twig in their brain & they are going to get it. I just know it. We live in hope….

Since online is the only place I am having ANY social interactions at the minute, as has been the case for the last 3 months, like most of us, that is how I will call out people for now. I of course will step up in reality also when it arises & I actually think I have less issue doing that in person, in the moment. I can be quite confrontational which is WHY the aforementioned education is so important so I can react with facts & persuasive real talk rather than just red mist.

3. Proactive

Now this might appear a bit lame but I wanted to be more do-ey so I started a petition against Trump setting foot in the UK ever again on the grounds of him glorifying violence with that notorious tweet regards the looting & the shooting. My idea was to try to push his best mate BoJo into sending out some clear international condemnation because that seems to be the only language he understands. Status, power, wealth; that’s his world. Forget human rights & dignity. He is such a disgusting little cretin & I think I must have conveyed that feeling because the petition committee rejected my application on the grounds of defamation. Whoops. I’ve since entered a second one so we shall see what comes of that but I’m not holding my breath. Instead there are tons of other petitions to support if you want to get busy. I swear before February I had probably signed 2 petitions max ever in my life. Now.. NOW… I’ve lost count. As we discussed last post there is just so much to be angry about! I know its only a signature & many of these petitions arguably don’t make gigantic impact but any above 100k signatures HAS to get debated in parliament so the more we get it on the agenda the better.

This one is the closest to mine https://petition.parliament.uk/petitions/323863

This is about the national curriculum & is already above the threshold for debate yay, but more the better so they really take it seriously

https://petition.parliament.uk/petitions/324092

This is also a really important subject. The mortality rate at childbirth for black mothers is FIVE times that of white women. This requires urgent intervention.

https://petition.parliament.uk/petitions/301079

I will also be looking for opportunities to be more active in the pursuit of racial equality in my community going forward I’m just not sure how just yet. I’ve bought Layla F Saad’s book on white supremacy which has a 28 day challenge which I’ve thought about getting a bunch of people in on to work through together. But that might have to wait until I’ve got some money coming in because that’s going to take some serious brain power & I’m not sure if I’ll have much leftover to run a bookclub for cambridgekarens.org. Oh my gosh just thinking about my lack of employment is making me quease, ok lets leave that until last…

Next on the agenda.. ah yes hugs

4. Love-life resurrection

I need some love in my life. Nothing but a solitary elbow bump is all the human contact I’ve had since I hugged that true playa for real Mr Panama back on 11th bloody March so yes, lets say I’m sizing up my support bubble options pronto & I’m on the hunt for a hug. Send in your applications.

Can’t look for it online because every time someone on a dating app asks me what I do for a living or if I’m furloughed or any of the boring pleasantries that necessitate an actual conversation I either cry or get really textually aggressive & just write NOTHING in caps to every question they ask. What you been up to ? What do you do for work? NOTHINGGGGGG. Usually makes for quite a quick chat. Soooo I got to give them a miss for the time being. If you aren’t in love with life & most importantly yourself you can hardly expect anyone else to fall in love with you so better make that a priority… hmm its all hinging on this bloody work situation isn’t it…. ahhhhh fak fak…. okay lets just put it off a teensy bit longer….

Ok so for love… aim is making an effort for, at minimum, two social distanced meets a week with friends & family. Very doable.

5. Exercise do-good-ing

Another cause of distress for me a couple of weeks ago was all the litter left along the banks of the River Cam after the bank holiday. Its actually really put me off from going on my (semi occasional) run & my body is seriously getting de-conditioned at the lack of movement I am doing. I’m averaging like 15 steps a day or something mental according to my phone. No exaggeration. Healthy body, healthy mind & all that so I’ve got to make movement a priority. Its not even about exercise at this stage. I just have to force myself to leave the house & go for a walk, possibly even get sweaty enough that it forces me to have a shower that I am not really having many of either. That would be the dream. Yeah put me down for a couple of showers. C’mon Jade you can do it.

Luckily before I lost all my money I purchased a top of the range non-refundable litter picker so I should really blimin’ use it since its the last ‘luxury’ I’ll be buying for awhile. Maybe I’ll aim for one litter pick walk a week & 2 runs? Hmm bit ambitious perhaps given my prior form. Maybe just one walk a week minimum then anything else is a bonus. Its poor but low barriers to achievement & feel good are a necessity right now.

6. Livelihood

Right I’ve been putting it off long enough but here it is… the big one…. how do I support myself going forward?? Well I’ve put an application in for universal credit aka the dole which I think will be about 80 quid a week & will start in a months time, so that’s something. I don’t feel great about taking that money, though. It’s hardly anything I know & most people are on government funding of much greater amounts but something about the stigma of unemployment benefit as opposed to a posh nouveau word like furlough seems like quite a hard pill to swallow on top of everything else. I almost don’t want to take it but that would be cutting my nose off to spite my bank balance.

So where does that leave me? I am unsure River Island will be using human models for awhile, favouring the less germy mannequin equivalent, & in terms of other jobs well, we are heading for the highest unemployment count in quite some time so competition is stiff for someone like me who has never had a proper job, with zero experience & only a dusty old degree from yesteryear, I got turned down from working on the shopfloor at Dunelm last year…. soooo not sure thats a go-er so wait for it…. what I’m thinking is…. <drumroll> go back to trading!!

Cue bewildered, worried faces.

Bear with…

For last two days I’ve gotten really involved working on a new website. I just love making websites me. URL’s, graphics, oh & lets not forget buying trademarks. I own so many trademarks its actually a joke. Really good ones as well like Kale Yeah & then also shit ones like Veganease (in my mind it was going to be a new culinary language, I thought it was genius) Anyway they cost thousands & I haven’t used any of them so another big waste of resources, I’ve clearly got a problem with money somewhere. I haven’t even told you about the time I lost £3550 on a horse yet or placed a $1k chip on red only for it roll black. Yes seems I like losing money in colourful fashions!

Anyway I have actually been incredibly successful trading over the years & now is the time for me to really put my head down & get some solid returns. The robot was me trying to cut corners, I’ve clearly gotten lazy what can I say. Shame on you Jade. Nope, instead I’m going to have to do this the hard way… soooo my website ‘Trade with Jade‘ will be live as of next Monday & for £35 per month (plucked that price out of nowhere in all truth) aspiring traders, or sadistic voyeurs maybe, can subscribe to have front row seat on my trading activity. Quite a laughable notion considering I just lost tens of thousands EXCEPT I shall say it again, it wasn’t me, Shaggy style. It was the effing trading bot! I am blameless, kinda, sort of. I mean I could have pulled the plug earlier but its too late for shoulda, woulda, couldas now. I’ve borrowed some capital (off the guy who gave me the bot that lost me the money in the first place!) & the plan is to trade basically from zero to hero MANUALLY & get myself self sufficient again. Should be quite entertaining ride if not educational for onlookers so check me out at www.tradewithjade.com soon but for gods sake don’t sign up I’m not ready yet but making websites is my therapy. I feel pretty confident though, I’ve done it before I’ll do it again. Difficult given my lack of capital this time around but everything happens for a reason & I truly believe this is my path. Go get ’em tiger/pray for me.

7. Joyous Jade time

Finally I solemnly swear to dance non stop for minimum 15 mins every day & have music on whilst I do any chores at all round the house.

I might actually think about getting a theme tune to set my alarm to if anyone has an ideas of uplifting, good lyrical content, sing it out loud numbers? I’ve had a few over the years but I’m due a new one. Jadey making a comeback.

Off for a walk, off the back of a shower. BOOM.

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