Now I have used many a hare-brained dating scheme in my time (just ask me about the matchmaker business cards) HOWEVER, I’m convinced this could well be my most promising yet…
COLD. HARD. CASH.
In an era of mandatory dating app misery, of which I can take no more, I am asking friends, family & you dear reader to rack your social networks for your most eligible of acquaintances to refer them to me as potential first date candidates. Yes this your chance to become my personal Cilla Black.
On my favourite TV show of all time (even more so than Take Me Out) Channel 4’s First Dates true love is often discovered between matches who live within a 15 minute radius of one another, consequently I am convinced there is dating gold within 2 degrees of separation between you & I.
Mr Jade is literally under our noses, we just haven’t given it any thought yet.
So the idea is you rack your brain. You present me with an array of options and if after a phone exchange there is indeed a physical IRL date, I will give you no less than ten English pounds! No to be sniffed at, especially in this cozzie livs crisis we are in! That’s nearly two meal deals!! And if you select the smoothie beverage option you’ve actually doubled your money right there.
And of course should we make it to the matrimonial finish line… there is most certainly an invite in it for you… & you know its going to be one heck of a party, so what do you say, get thinking!!
To help you along your matchmaker way & to maximise chances of getting to even a first date, here are some pointers as to who I believe I am seeking:
1. All the obvious stuff like “nice”, caring, attentive, smart, hot, calls his mum etc…. These are a given, c’mon lets not waste our time. Actually let’s keep this in because it turns out these are NOT a given and I’ve been naive before.
2. He must be confident, self assured & comfortable with both themselves & who I am. I am bold… I occasionally wear fruit & veg costumes for no apparent reason, better show him my Instagram before the first date.
3. I’m not heightist or especially into adonises but to maximise attraction chances, I’m 5’9 in heels & definitely prefer dark features.
4. Aged 30 – 50, I wouldn’t consider anyone outside this, already giant, bracket – thats previously been tried & tested at both extremities.
5. Non smoker essential. Occasional weed / vape I can get on board with but I like my lungs pink. Also I don’t do drugs, rarely drink alcohol & am mostly vegan. That should put off a few pseudo alphas. Which is fine by me. Hard pass on the macho men.
6. I feel like values & shared mindset are more important than shared interests but here are a few of mine: festivals, nature, new experiences, music, sunshine, learning, reading, social development, writing, comedy, fancy dress.
7. Ideally they should be into learning, capable of effective communication, curious, have engaged in a bit of work on their insecurities & generally just up for the craic – I’m thinking couples choreography & developing our own lingo – yep that kind of straight into the vein crack
8. Politically engaged, aware of cultural issues & current events. Unphased by the word feminism.
9. FUNNY – laughing is everthing. This is the number one requirement in all honesty. Everything else on this list is negotiable. Funny is not.
10. Basically Trevor Noah, yep Trevor Noah is my ideal man. Trev, if you’re reading this and I accept the odds are slim, the contact page is right there.
Reading that back, I now have significantly less confidence in this scheme & indeed my search for true love at all. I thought I wasn’t looking for much at all but actually if this man does indeed exist the chances of him being single are pretty slim to nil but still nothing ventured nothing gained except potential bankruptcy if enough of you
Also feel free to share my profile further afield, its said that the whole world is connected within 7 degrees so if we keep sharing I might just get to Trevor Noah after all!
P.s An extra fiver if he likes dancing. I’m not joking. This is a formal financial incentive.
Get him to fill this in:
